Fwd: What if I were a girl...

---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Toshio Takikawa <tug76069@temple.edu>
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2017 at 07:02
Subject: What if I were a girl...
To: CIFJ * Contact Improvisation Fes Japan <ci@ci-jp.com>

Dear Chico

I've been wishing to be a girl for long time especially this year.

As I am sleeping with Shoichi, I borrowed a little bit part of futon. What if I were a girl or gay and I cannot stop eating him. I've been thinking about brow job and Wataru told me that he experienced both. I'm virgin in that sense. 

If I had a female mind with a male body, still should I stay with boys? He sleeps almost naked. It's so sexual for me. But I need to sleep on tatami, so I just sleep next to him.

I'm not a girl, so I can't stay in girls place... Last night when hearing a story of three girls from Taiwan, I really wish to be a girl. I have an experience of taking a bath with my friend of boy, but it's different kind of texture.

I was thinking about staying alone but I need warmth now. Even last night, I was crying when taking a bath thinking about something that you said in front of bath. Something like I don't have a student like you. I know it's a joke but I can't take anything in a light way. In my mind, voices repeated in my head especially what I felt sad afterwards.

I hear voices everywhere when I'm alone. It could be me, but mostly it's someone's. It repeats until I cry or hurt. I'm trying to focus on something fun, however, depression let me think negatively all the time. The ways to avoid these unhealthy behaviors might be talking to someone, dancing, and cooking for someone. 

Last night, one girl said to me 女子力高いね when I showed massage oil that has nice flavor. Then, I asked if it's okay for her to massage her shoulder. At that time, I feel so uncomfortable being said that because in my mind, I'm a girl and she ignores that part of me... I don't blame anyone or anything but I just feel sad hearing that. She said more than twice. (Well, you know I'm a girl, man!) I replied to her quickly in my mind.

@Jam

Every time I'm scared to dance with people even though I long for it. This time, Shoichi asked me to dance with, so I could start dancing. If I didn't come earlier, I didn't know him much and I might feel insecure about being touched by him. 

Two years ago, there were two dancers whom I respect. Both asked me to dance while me sitting outside of the community. One of them is Tomomi. T and I'm excited to see her again. She is so kind and generous. I regard her as my elder sister. I stayed her house after the festival and she and her mother took me to Tanegashima by a car. I felt that I was in a dream because it was so precious time. I bought some presents for her. This is my first attempt to give something to someone.  

Thanks for giving me jobs. I prefer to working harder for dancers. I feel great when working for them since I love them. It's my pleasure to be here and thanks for having me.

Love,

Toshio.T

-- 

Toshio Takikawa

Temple University, Japan Campus