The feeling of guilt to spend money

"Say something when you earn more than Me," my father scolded.

He was angry when I and my mother opposed him.

He needed to protect himself in order not to be hurt.

I don't remember the context we discussed, but I clearly remember what he said.

Still, I don't have a job and I don't have money.

Therefore, I cannot say anything to him. Is that strange?

Well, it seems that you decide not to be stronger that him.

You are afraid of losing your father?

He must be on your side whatever you do.

Several years ago, I was talking to him what I saw in this world.

I wanted him to praise what I did.

In fact, he suffers from not being praised by his father.

He screamed when his father didn't speak well of him.

It was silly and pity to see a boy of 52 years old yelling at 82 years father.

He boasted about his work but his father did not admit or approve it.

Once, my father told me that his 50 years were just for escaping from his dad.

He hated to live in a small, rural area. Then, he dreamed to work in a different country.

He studied German at university and finally worked in Mexico as CEO.

He used to travel to foreign countries a lot.

He achieved his three dreams.

What are my dreams?

Once, I went to Arizona just to stay away from my family after getting fired as a farmer.

It was stupid to lose the job just because I couldn't wake up in the morning three times in 10 days.

Now I even don't remember this much.

The reason for me to study psychology in English is to overcome my panic and defeat my father.

As a matter of fact, his English is pretty bad in terms of pronunciation.

He loves to learn about slight differences of expressions of English.

I don't want to spend my precious time thinking about my enemy, Father.

But, I know this feeling and the desire to beat him can be the motivation.

Well, in fact, you are yelling toward a wall showing your father's shade.

There's nothing. NOTHING there.

I'd like you to find your own passion, dream, and wish.

Yet, I am obsessive to study about psychotherapy, counseling psychology, clinical psychology in order to help, save, rescue myself and my parents.

It's not the desire from my heart.

It's the emergency situation that I have to solve.

Whatever the reason I have, it's totally fine as long as I have things to do.

I hope someday you find your days in your life.